Some days

 It’s 2020, so many things have changed this year... but some things are still the same. 

Only last year I left CC church for the last time. By the end I felt there was nothing left for me there, friends I could see away from church & the weekly services had been feeling very shallow. I left because they claimed to be safe haven for victims, but they really didn’t know how. And when I asked them to explain, I got silence in return. 

But I am a social being, I need a tribe, a clan. Otherwise I feel cut off, drifting, alone & vulnerable. I’ve joined several groups since then. Some closer than others. Some for deeper relationship, other just for a quick social gathering once a month. 

But sometimes, I still feel so alone. 

And it’s 2020, so I know there are many who feel this. Some due to personal lost this year, other because of lockdowns. One word keeps popping up “together”. Adverts say “we are in this together”. 

But are we really?

So many times I wish for the days of having that one close friend who you could always talk to. Sometimes I’m afraid of what that might mean... many so called friends have just wanted me as a dumping ground, some one they could rely on, but they weren’t necessarily always there for me. 

This year I was supposed to be travelling, meeting new people & experiencing the various Medieval Fairs around Australia. But it’s 2020, so that didn’t happen. I wasn’t even in my local area when the one Viking Age fair was on... 😢 

So what do I do? How do I process these feelings? Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I sit & stare at my garden, or the moon and pray that the gods will hear me. 

Most of the time I craft (knitting, spinning, weaving, etc), because then I feel some sort of connection. With those living who craft, with those who have come before me & had to know these things to provide for their families. It’s a connection to heritage, to family, & to our Mother Earth 🌏. 

I don’t have all the answers, but I’m trying to learn. Day by day.