David, King of Israel. Great king, chroic addict

King David was a an addict. Yet he earned the reputation of a man after God's own heart. Does this mean God's heart is tainted? No, it means God can redeem a chronic addict & turn his life around to the point that others only see his closeness to God.

Psalms (most written by David) is the largest book in the bible, & David is still seen as Israel's greatest king. 

You can find the story of David in 1Samuel. 

Fighting a losing battle.

Fighting a losing battle.

Over the course of the past 3 months I've been listening to a lot of marriage counsel. Most of it very good things, like be nice, look for the good, pay attention to your spouse, make yourself available, don't nag. Good advice. But the more advice I've been given, the more I realise I've been doing the majority of this stuff for years. So why has my marriage been so difficult? Why did we end up separated? 

I was fighting a loosing battle because my spouse didn't want to do any of these things. He has had to admit to his counselor that most of the advice given to him to fix things is stuff that I've already been doing & he wasn't interested. 

I have been fighting to keep my marriage alive while my spouse was just letting it die & didn't care. I was fighting the losing battle. 

Now he is realising that fact, & I'm here wondering how to come back to a healthy relationship.

I'm exhausted from fighting to save it on my own. There is hope now that he wants to put the effort in. 

But only a little. 

The Effects of Addiction

The effects of addiction are so many. Most addicts don't really know what it's like for those who love them & those who live with them.
I have recently found out I was married to & living with an addict, I thought he was in recovery & I never really understood what it would be like to be the support person. Now after many years of marriage & him pulling away (due to shame & then disrespect) he has finally made the decision to be honest about his problems, which is great. However, now I am left reliving my entire life & trying to figure out how much he loved me, how much should have been different if he had made better choices sooner.
And my own insecurities about being unloved have come true. For many years I blinded myself to the full truth of how little he loved me. I celebrated every tiny step forward, when in reality those tiny steps were used to manipulate me, to exhaust me so I wouldn't keep fighting for a better life. Unfortunately this is the truth of life with an addict, especially one who refuses to admit the problem & get help.

For those of you out there who love an addict & want the best for them, sometimes you have to let them go for things to change.
Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom. Other times the best thing is for them to know that you are there waiting for them.

The most important thing for those of us who love an addict, is that we take care of ourself first.