“She gives as good as she gets”

“She gives as good as she gets”

Is a phrase I have come to really loathe. In my life I have heard this phrase used to excuse some of the worst behaviour toward women. 

Many people think this phrase is a compliment to strong women, but it isn’t. 

This phrase shows the thinking that because a women is good at defending herself or her children against an abuser it makes the abuse ok, or that she doesn’t need help & will be ok. 

“She was attacked, but fought back.”

“He started the argument, but it’s ok, she gave as good as she got.”

These are just a few of the words I’ve heard. 

Just because a woman is good at defending herself does not mean that abuse isn’t happening, in fact it is an indication that abuse was, or is happening. 

Yes, she might be a strong woman. 

Yes, she might have her own issues. 

No, that does not mean she deserves to be abused or controlled. 

Why am I so passionate about this? 

I am a strong woman.

I can give as good as I get.

But why should I be treated in a way that leaves me needing to defend myself? 

David, King of Israel. Great king, chroic addict

King David was a an addict. Yet he earned the reputation of a man after God's own heart. Does this mean God's heart is tainted? No, it means God can redeem a chronic addict & turn his life around to the point that others only see his closeness to God.

Psalms (most written by David) is the largest book in the bible, & David is still seen as Israel's greatest king. 

You can find the story of David in 1Samuel. 

Fighting a losing battle.

Fighting a losing battle.

Over the course of the past 3 months I've been listening to a lot of marriage counsel. Most of it very good things, like be nice, look for the good, pay attention to your spouse, make yourself available, don't nag. Good advice. But the more advice I've been given, the more I realise I've been doing the majority of this stuff for years. So why has my marriage been so difficult? Why did we end up separated? 

I was fighting a loosing battle because my spouse didn't want to do any of these things. He has had to admit to his counselor that most of the advice given to him to fix things is stuff that I've already been doing & he wasn't interested. 

I have been fighting to keep my marriage alive while my spouse was just letting it die & didn't care. I was fighting the losing battle. 

Now he is realising that fact, & I'm here wondering how to come back to a healthy relationship.

I'm exhausted from fighting to save it on my own. There is hope now that he wants to put the effort in. 

But only a little. 

The Effects of Addiction

The effects of addiction are so many. Most addicts don't really know what it's like for those who love them & those who live with them.
I have recently found out I was married to & living with an addict, I thought he was in recovery & I never really understood what it would be like to be the support person. Now after many years of marriage & him pulling away (due to shame & then disrespect) he has finally made the decision to be honest about his problems, which is great. However, now I am left reliving my entire life & trying to figure out how much he loved me, how much should have been different if he had made better choices sooner.
And my own insecurities about being unloved have come true. For many years I blinded myself to the full truth of how little he loved me. I celebrated every tiny step forward, when in reality those tiny steps were used to manipulate me, to exhaust me so I wouldn't keep fighting for a better life. Unfortunately this is the truth of life with an addict, especially one who refuses to admit the problem & get help.

For those of you out there who love an addict & want the best for them, sometimes you have to let them go for things to change.
Sometimes they need to hit rock bottom. Other times the best thing is for them to know that you are there waiting for them.

The most important thing for those of us who love an addict, is that we take care of ourself first.

1 month on...

Well it has been just over a month since the separation & I wish I could say all is going well, but truth be told it's hard, so very, very hard. Being on my own with 5 kids most of the week is so super exhausting, & at the moment I don't get a night off. I hate how easily frustrated I get. I love my kids, I really do, but it seems like I'm constantly yelling at them to do the stuff that they need to do. And to make matters worse, I don't really get to do fun stuff with them anymore as they are with their dad on the weekends (during the day), which is when I used to take them out.
Evenings are really difficult too, so many arguments about having dinner, getting PJs on, brushing teeth, bedtime stories...

And then I'm alone...

Usually I love being alone, I've always been one to sneak off to read on my own, watch my TV shows etc, but when you've been married for 13 years & now you are aren't it takes quite a bit of getting used to. It's funny because it's not like we would hang out together every night, most of the time he would ignore me anyway. But being alone reminds of all that, all that should have been, could have been & never will be.

An Ending & New beginnings

I know not many people read this blog, & that's ok with me as it is mostly for my own record.

but for those who do read it... I have made a monumental step forward in my life, my husband (of 13 years) & I have separated. If I told you all why it would take way too long & wouldn't fit into one post. But long story short, he was trying to control me & didn't want me to be the person I am. Since he moved out I have had more freedom than I've had in years. Yes, I have 5 children who need me & now there is no other adult in the house to help out with stuff, but I'm finding now that I'm less stressed it is often easier to cope with the workload!!

Crochet

Recently I've taken up crochet as a stress reduction hobby. I've been experimenting with many colours & in the photo below are 2 round dollhouse rugs called "Sunrise" & "Sunset". 

Crochet has been good for me, due to the rhythmic patterns & scope for creativity. I love being able to sit down, chill out & finish a small item. It's a good feeling to be able to relax & still feel productive.