Light, Shadow & Darkness

 

In the last few years I’ve found myself looking toward an alternative belief than what I was taught as a child. I lean more toward natural magick & a pantheon of deities than a single God. But one thing that seems to be talked about in the pagan or magick circles is they think “love & light” is weakness or somehow less than. It makes me wonder how many that claim to have a “dark little heart” really know what that is? Have they ever felt the overwhelming desire to kill someone? Have they had psychotic episodes & been a danger to themselves & others? If they have is that why they think they have a dark heart? And if they haven’t suffer that, do they truly know what darkness is? 

I have been through those things, which is why I lean toward the light. I feel like there is too much darkness in the world already & sometimes it threatens to swallow me up, but I can’t let it as that would hurt myself & my family too much. 

I believe anthropologically most of us have an instinct to fear the true darkness, as when our ancestors were living in caves & small villages the darkness outside contained predators & death. 

For me Light is Life. 

Not that I believe darkness shouldn’t exist. It has its purpose, just as much as the light. When in a safe place, darkness can help us relax & rest. It much easier to rest in a dark, womb like space, all bundled up & safe.  

As does Shadow. 

Shadow is where the light & dark meet. Those grey areas where nothing is clear or as it seems. Shadow work where you face your fears & examine deep into yourself is truly necessary for the spirit to heal & grow. Like a seed planted in the soil. It might think it is left in the dark, but really it is only under a shadow as the warm of the light penetrating into the ground will help it grow. Some people fear Shadow work, because it can mean dealing with their pain & humans shy away from pain. 

I’m learning to love the Light, work with Shadow, & not fear the Dark

My birthday

 Today is my birthday, and I’m happy to be here and be a year older. 

You see I shouldn’t have survived pregnancy. 

My twin didn’t. 

“Why?” I hear you ask. My mother’s blood is A- & my father’s (& mine) is A+. 

Those in medical fields might know that a pregnancy like this causes the mother to develop antibiotics that kill off any subsequent babies. 

I’m a second born child, my mother had my sister 9 years before me & lost a baby before becoming pregnant with me. 

“But these days women with negative blood just had antiD injections” I hear you say... yes they do & I thought my mother had them with me, but it turns out she didn’t know about the antibody issue until after I was born! 

In a post natal appointment with her doctor he asked about her blood group & recommended antiD for subsequent pregnancies. 

So I’m lucky to be here, most babies would have died in utero. 

My twin did, & I miss them. 

Especially at this time of year. 

But like the Gemini twins I look forward to the time when we will be united again. In spirit & riding the wind together. 

Some days

 It’s 2020, so many things have changed this year... but some things are still the same. 

Only last year I left CC church for the last time. By the end I felt there was nothing left for me there, friends I could see away from church & the weekly services had been feeling very shallow. I left because they claimed to be safe haven for victims, but they really didn’t know how. And when I asked them to explain, I got silence in return. 

But I am a social being, I need a tribe, a clan. Otherwise I feel cut off, drifting, alone & vulnerable. I’ve joined several groups since then. Some closer than others. Some for deeper relationship, other just for a quick social gathering once a month. 

But sometimes, I still feel so alone. 

And it’s 2020, so I know there are many who feel this. Some due to personal lost this year, other because of lockdowns. One word keeps popping up “together”. Adverts say “we are in this together”. 

But are we really?

So many times I wish for the days of having that one close friend who you could always talk to. Sometimes I’m afraid of what that might mean... many so called friends have just wanted me as a dumping ground, some one they could rely on, but they weren’t necessarily always there for me. 

This year I was supposed to be travelling, meeting new people & experiencing the various Medieval Fairs around Australia. But it’s 2020, so that didn’t happen. I wasn’t even in my local area when the one Viking Age fair was on... 😢 

So what do I do? How do I process these feelings? Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I sit & stare at my garden, or the moon and pray that the gods will hear me. 

Most of the time I craft (knitting, spinning, weaving, etc), because then I feel some sort of connection. With those living who craft, with those who have come before me & had to know these things to provide for their families. It’s a connection to heritage, to family, & to our Mother Earth 🌏. 

I don’t have all the answers, but I’m trying to learn. Day by day. 

It’s been a while... its 2020 (sigh)

 I don’t know how many people ever read this, but I’m writing it anyway 😉

This year has seen some of people worst fears happen. A global pandemic, an unknown super virus... as I write this the world wide death toll is around 1 Million. It breaks my heart. 

But I’m lucky. I live in Australia, in an area where the numbers have not even reached the double digits (my local area, not my state). I’m lucky that the way I was brought up & the things I have learned in recent years help us to be a little bit self sufficient. No as much as I would like, but a little. 

This year I’ve managed to keep plants alive! 

I’ve also been working on getting better at knitting & weaving.

I knit lace for the first time ever this year, my grandma would be proud as it was her favourite pattern. 

I was supposed to be going all over the country this year with my Viking history group, but like most places everything was cancelled. But we still have been meeting & chatting online. 

Just recently I actually was able to go to Queensland, for the first time in over 20 years. 

My sister & I went to visit a dear friend who is quite unwell. 

It’s a weird thing, going to visit someone in another state when there is a pandemic happening. Extra security, extra paperwork, it’s like travelling overseas, but not at the same time. The trip was great & I’m glad I was able to see my friend. Goddess only knows if I will ever get to see her again on this earth... 

Life is short, tell your loved ones how much they mean to you. While you still can. 

Tired.

I’m tired. Tired of trying to raise good kids, tired of trying to be a good wife, tired of trying to be a good person. I’m tired of life. Does anyone else feel like this? Over this past year I’ve separated from my husband, found out about his addiction, gotten counseling, moved back together, found out more about stuff he did in secret, had another child start school, 2 eldest children move schools (due to bullying & lack of teacher input), lost most of my friends, distanced myself from other toxic friendships... the list goes on. I’m tired of all this crap. I’m a totally messed up person now who has to try & cope with PTSD & hope that there will be someone around who can help me pick up the pieces. But there isn’t. And I have 5 children that need me every single day. And a clingy, immature husband who really needs someone to teach him how to be an adult, but I’m not his mum & I refuse to keep being in a position where I need to raise him too.

I’m so tired...

Where does the time go?

I’ve realised it’s been about a year since I last posted here. So much has happened since then! Rehab & healing, a relative with a cancer diagnosis, coming & going of friends old & new. It feels like the years are going way too quickly & that life is constantly getting harder. But we still continue on.

“She gives as good as she gets”

“She gives as good as she gets”

Is a phrase I have come to really loathe. In my life I have heard this phrase used to excuse some of the worst behaviour toward women. 

Many people think this phrase is a compliment to strong women, but it isn’t. 

This phrase shows the thinking that because a women is good at defending herself or her children against an abuser it makes the abuse ok, or that she doesn’t need help & will be ok. 

“She was attacked, but fought back.”

“He started the argument, but it’s ok, she gave as good as she got.”

These are just a few of the words I’ve heard. 

Just because a woman is good at defending herself does not mean that abuse isn’t happening, in fact it is an indication that abuse was, or is happening. 

Yes, she might be a strong woman. 

Yes, she might have her own issues. 

No, that does not mean she deserves to be abused or controlled. 

Why am I so passionate about this? 

I am a strong woman.

I can give as good as I get.

But why should I be treated in a way that leaves me needing to defend myself?